Tomorrow night, an official next step in the Big Thing is going to take place. I won't know the RESULTS of it then; that'll wait until a process completes. Once the process completes, I'll know whether the NEXT step will be a factor. It depends on the elemination process. ugh. My head's going to explode.But I'm very excited about tomorrow night's next step. Discussions are being held on the whole thing. People with vast experience and knowledge are assuring me there's noting to worry about. They're saying that the qualifications, experience, style, people-skills, etc. are all in place. They foresee no reasons why it isn't completely possible.
Of course, there's the factoring-in of the decision-making process, the particular needs of those who would make this happen, economic considerations, etc.
The bottom line, to me, is this: not too many people with solid experience, flexibility, genuine enthusiasm for marginalized cultures, technical expertise and personal humility are available to just pick up and leave everything they know for a remote location. People have kids, mortgages, social committments, etc. that they must factor in. Young people, with nothing but book larnin' and a credit card, could do it more easily. They've formed no attachments that require consistant commitment. But they also don't have the experience, tangible and not, to perform well in this place, under these specific, crucial and fragile circumstances.
I'm convinced the Big Thing can happen. I'm confident it has a good chance of happening.
If it doesn't something else will happen.
In the mean time, however, I'm looking at every stitch and sliver of my life and evaluating it for how crucial it might be if the Big Thing were to happen.
I already know how much it will cost to transport 2 cats and 2 goats. I know where the cheapest temporary housing is. I know where to buy groceries, look for more permanent housing, ride public transportation, rent storage, ship goods, get medical care, continue my education....
I've been over every virtual inch of this location, examining it for potential, analysing it for problems. I've adjusted my mindset to what is of real value there, and how I can be of use.
I'll have to give up a lot, sure. But it's not like I'm having to concede some sort of defeat. When I look around at my lifestyle, my possessions, my diet, my habbits, etc., I see much which I can let go, at no personal sacrifice.
Actually, the purging is good for me. As I do laundry, for instance, and put clothes away, I find I've gathered things I no longer need. They're so old, holey, threadbare, stained, nobody else would even want them. Most I rescued from trashpicking. Some, I've had for many years. I always had more clothes than many people, just because it was so hard for me to launder: long trips by bus, much walking, washing things by hand in the bathtub as I showered, etc. When I'm sick, I need fresh linens and clothing, even if I can't wash.
I won't need that surplus of clothing anymore.
There's much redundancy, for equally-pragmatic reasons, throughout my household inventory. If I do The Big Thing, that redundancy becomes unnecessary. In fact, it would become a burden.
So, tomorow night, I sit and listen to the next step in the process of elimination toward the Big Thing.
I'm thinking I'll know for certain what the outcome is by sometime around the beginning of June. If my head doesn't explode by then.
Let's put it this way: I never imagined I'd ever have an opportunity to return to a place I visited, for a very brief period, when I was only 13. I loved it then and I hated to leave. It has never crossed my mind since then that I could ever go back. I've spoken of the place quite fondly, over the intervening decades. But it was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. I have always considered myself very lucky and priviledged to have experienced it, at all. Most people never will.
The prospect of actually being able to return is so amazing, so humbling that I can barely wrap my heart around it. I can smell and taste the air. I can see it. I'm even having dreams that I'm there, living as a resident.
I'm willing to do whatever it takes -- that causes no harm -- to have this opportunity to continue that aborted love affair with a most unique place and culture.
Here's to tomorrow night, and all the other nights, of hope, planning, happiness, love and welcome.
Whatever happens, whether or not I get to participate in this particular Big Thing, its influence on my perceptions of my own life has been profound, already. There's a paradigm shift in how I see myself and my life. It woke me back up. I was beaten down, discouraged for so long, just living in survival mode and trying not to get hurt anymore than necessary. I'd forgotten that life is about poetry, stars, deep breaths, small miracles.
This experience, as unformed as it still is, has reminded me to love and value who I am and what I hold most sacred.
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