progress update

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I got the trailer last Tuesday.

I have removed ALL unnecessary cabinets, fixtures except a nasty job, removing under sink & medicine chests from bath (it's a very small space, hard to see & work, but I need the room for my own shelves & hanging fixtures). I figure the bath will take a whole day.

All appliances checked & working, except h2o heater. I have to wait for trip to store today to buy one of those long lighters; it's windy here all the time. Oiled anode threads last night; hope I can get it out, cuz I'd like to buy a new one while I'm out today.

Removed a NASTY carpet & pad from living area. Former owner had a dog that peed the HELL out of that carpet!

Bought 50v solar panel & voltage regulator on eBay yesterday. Total cost less than $150. Should power everything, if I'm very careful, but the a/c & furnace.

Almost everything I own is in 6 4-drawer and 6 2-drawer filing cabinets. Moved the heaviest & hardest into back bedroom yesterday. I took the bed cabinet out the 1st day. I'm converting that space into a radio & video recording studio. I'm putting clothes rods on top of tall filing cabinets, which are spaced with short cabinets, in between. I'll hang my clothes there to absorb sound for recording. Also, it frees up the closet across from the head, for extra, unsightly storage. I've installed shelves in those closets.

I've hung my mylar blanket/fleece blanket "curtains." I removed the lace curtains, will wash & replace over my contraptions, so not unsightly from inside cabin. It REALLY helps insulate & retain heat! At apx. 40f outside, inside temp apx. 65f, just from passive solar

rv radiant floor heater

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Here's a cheap, solar water heater: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBAi_TVNaiM

Because sunlight at 4,000 - 6,500 feet elevation is very harsh and disintegrates things, I'll be using braided, black garden hose, COVERED by sheet metal, painted black. I'll slide swimming pool "noodles," as insulation, over remaining, exposed hose: keeps heat in; keeps sun off.

I will put the coiled hosing on a piece of corrugated sheet metal, which will reflect heat back onto hose contraption, which will serve as the roof for a shed for my goats. At night, the cooling garden hose will help warm the shed and melt off snow. In a pinch, I could close the system & fire up water heater to heat floor during storms.

Although I plan no concrete, this video shows how radiant floors are, basically, constructed in a sticks & bricks house:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LCgazhE3dkk

I tore up the carpet in the living area yesterday. It leaves me with an unfinished area of chip board, 4x8 feet: the exact size of a sheet of plywood I already have, outside. I'll cover underside with aluminum foil, as metal conducts heat more efficiently.

I'll attach a garden hose to the plywood, as show in the video. I'll make spacers with strips of discarded packing styrofoam and strips of wood for strength.I'll screw the plywood over the chip board flooring. I'll attach the garden hose to my "y" connector, at the water heater and attach the other end to a 'y" at my passive solar intake outside.

Water rises as it heats. Cold floor water cycles outside, onto shed roof hoses, heats, flows through h2o heater, back to floor, etc. Floor hose releases heat into cabin of trailer.

I'll just attach the garden hoses with fittings to the existing water heater. I'll need a shut-off at the inlet, as I'll need propane to heat when there's no sun.

I'll also put it on a "y" with shut offs, because I'll be running another hose Inside the trailer for my floor.

On hot days, I simply close "y" at intake and allow floor h2o to cool. I can flush cool h2o through floor grid, as needed.

The floor will only be just over an inch taller, just as one enters the front door. I'll finish the sides with sloped molding, so people won't break their toes, and cover with area rug.

I'll post videos on the project soon.
 

to a sexist asshole on Face Book

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Jim, I wish you could read what you are writing from outside your own head. YOU know what you are thinking. I don't understand what you write. i never said my experience has to do with "sexist thinking." Please don't put words in my mouth. I can, and do, speak very well for myself.

I do not understand why you are attacking me, personally, as you have no idea who i am. You asked a series of questions; I answered them. Period. Say thank you, like a gentleman. Speak respectfully to me, as i have to you.

And you did not recognize nor acknowledge that I have BRAIN INJURIES and POST TRAUMATIC STRESS. Might these not be mitigating factors that would affect my ability to be involved in social activism, as I have no formal education, cannot hold a full-time job, live in abject poverty under extremely substandard conditions, have no car in a rural community and liv on $700/month, most months of the year?

Your "professional" pedigree means NOTHING to me, except that you are probably dangerous to psychiatric survivors, such as myself, because you cite as true, buy into and promote the medical industrial complex that is neglecting, abusing, stereotyping, shunning, drugging, controlling and taking away the civil rights of folks like myself.

I AM an activist, involved in MindFreedom.org, The Icarus Project, and PsychRights.org in which survivors support each other as peers in recovering, healing and escaping a very toxic mental "health" system. Most of us, for example, have learned to live very creative, productive lives WITHOUT ANY MEDICATIONS! We advocate on behalf of children, incarcerated adults, prisoners, survivors of lobotomy, toxic medications, electroshock "therapy," sexual and physical assault by mental "health" "professionals, etc.

My impression is that you are reactionary: just looking for an excuse to find fault, bully, abuse and argue. That's why this really will be the last time I address you, as I plan to block you right after I post this.

Your tone with me is condescending, judgmental, arrogant, invasive and accusatory. That's sexist; you know my gender and that I advocate for women.

i think your ego is very frail. I think you hold women in highest contempt, given you need to hijack this thread to get attention for your accusations toward and generalizations about an entire gender, which is not the topic of Neal's post. I think you like it when you offend women to the point where they insult you back and you can say, "don't take it personally, you ignorant, hysterical woman!" Metaphorically, of course.

Now, with all my disabilities, challenges and limitations, I have to go out to the old house trailer I just bought to live in.  I need to finish tearing out cabinets, stripping floors, repairing appliances, setting up solar energy and packing my stuff in it. I don't have TIME to waste on your trap door spider games. You don't want to learn; you want to be right and you want to fight.

See, I'm moving 2 dogs, 3 goats, 4 cats & myself across the state, to live in a traditional hogan, on the Navajo Nation reservation, and I need to do it by the end of next month, all alone, on $700/mo.

I've lived without heat, running water or sewage for over a year. I'm 7 miles from the nearest groceries, with no car or public transportation. I'm sick. I'm in a LOT of pain. I damn near committed suicide 2 weeks ago, because I could NOT find a place to live or something to live in in the entire state of New Mexico, and then I sort of MADE this trailer come through!

It's almost xmas. I'm all alone and working my ovaries off to rescue what little quality I have left. You just don't fit into my plans, bud.

What I've been through these last, five years would have killed a whiny pussy like you in ten minutes. I'm more of a man than you'll ever be. Grow a pair. Good bye.

donated camcorder!

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A sister independent radio producer sent me a camcorder. She just emailed to ask if I'd gotten it. OOPs!

I'm so sorry. It arrived several days ago. I recorded the goats, walking me back from the mail box with it.

At the same time, I was buying, moving and beginning to renovate the travel trailer in which I'll be living, which has consumed almost all my time, concentration, attention, energy and physical strength.

As you may know, I have brain injuries and trouble with memory. So, with all the hubub involved in remembering what hardware I need, how to get appliances to work, how to remove unnecessary cabinets and how to fill propane bottles on a Sunday when everything is shut down, I totally forgot to email you back. It is NOT that I'm not grateful or not THRILLED to have this recorder! Believe me!

With it, and with my minidisc and blog, I'm already beginning to document living & working in the trailer. i just this minute bought a solar panel, so I won't need utility electricity to power everything! I've joined an RV email list, which seems very pleased with my ideas for better self sufficiency & money saving to live independently in a rather small, but comfortable and functional space.

Your recorder will probably next be used to document insulating tricks with cheap, fleece blankets and mylar emergency blankets.

You've done a VERY good thing and I am truly grateful! I'll post links at AIR to video and audio when ready.

THANK you and happy holy days.

solar panel for trailer

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the solar place in Albq. wants twice as much for both panel and voltage reg. I'm waiting to hear back from Gallup Solar. If they haven't replied by xmas eve, I'm buying the eBay panel. Did you look at that video of the guy who installed one on his Rv??? He can power his whole unit on a fifty watt! No furnace or a/c, though! but everything else.

I'm a LITTLE scared to spend the money, but, on the other hand, y'know????? I could get off line pretty quickly. By the way, the six v batteries, that I'd put  in series? they're eighteen bucks each, postage included. I'll fiddle with batteries next month. I need moving money now. And I'd like to see what the battery on that thing has left in it, anyway. So, it'd be another twenty five with the voltage regulator. a hundred and fifty? to go almost completely off the grid??? and I could buy another panel before summer, to run air conditioning, etc.

 

 

photovoltaic generator options

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I want a solar panel on the trailer. A built panel of 50-60 watts will cost me about $250, plus a voltage regulator (so I don't fry battery while charging) for between $23 - 44. That size panel should just about power everything in the trailer, except air conditioning or furnace.

The following is the BEST do it yourself diy video on solar installation for an Rv. i don't want mine mounted on the roof. I want to stow it inside the trailer when not in use, then set it outside, angled for maximum sun exposure. i can even wire it so it plugs in.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BEWHkn5ZjSI&p=D62FCEFFC7F1702A

 

Now, I can build my own solar panel. Manufacturers sell damaged chips. They are functional, but have blemishes or breaks that, of course, reduce the electrical output of each. But the relative cost difference is less than half what I'd pay for a prebuilt panel. They're easy to assemble, with some thought and patience. The ones I'm looking at are pre-tabbed. This is to say they are already individually wired; they just need assembly. i could buy cells without tabbing, but that's a long process with delicate chips. I don't want to solder tabbing wire to individual chips: too much chance of damage.

Here's a video of a solar panel, assembled from broken chips, apx. 1/2 the size/wattage as what I'm considering. He's using untabbed, but the assembly (front to back in a line) is the same. He has a 10v panel, made with 33 chips. So, had he used large chips, he might have 20-30v: half my total need.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Z3P-Vv6BAI

 

I have a soldering iron and will need solder & a flux pen, which will cost under twenty bucks.

I can buy this kit of 36 NEW cells, plus wire, with an output of 64.8 watts, enough to power the camper
http://cgi.ebay.com/36-3x6-Solar-Panel-Cells-FACTORY-Tab-BOTH-SIDES-tab-/220595249783?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item335c806277

 

I can buy 75 (he also has bundles of fewer) broken, large cells for $60, but that doesn't include wire. These are pre-tabbed. I'm guessing the maximum output would be around 75 watts: enough to power air & furnace, with caution.
http://cgi.ebay.com/75-Solar-Cells-3-x-6-up-1-7W-ea-LARGE-broken-pcs-/320491081501?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item4a9ec1cf1d

 

I can buy a kit, with wire & flux pen, of 72 fully functional cells for $120. That is 80 watts: powers everything in trailer.
http://cgi.ebay.com/Kit-72-3-x6-1-8W-5V-3-6A-split-solar-cells-wire-pen-/320488064954?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item4a9e93c7ba

 

Finally, I can buy 72 brand new cells, with diodes & wire, for $124. It's also 80 watts, enough to power everything, if I'm very careful with furnace & air conditioning.
http://cgi.ebay.com/72-NEW-WHOLE-Solar-Cells-3x6-75-Tab-Wire-2-Diodes-/220594792545?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item335c796861

 

Since the panel can be protected from storms, as it would be movable, I can be less cautious about the window treatment. I have storm door glass and plexiglass large enough. I have plywood, etc., to build the box. I even have silicone sealant. Basically, I have everything I need, EXCEPT DIODES, which cost very little.

What should I do?

rv internet

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I think I'll be using Verison's "mifi," to get internet to my PC. The reason is that Qwest services that area and partners with them. It's thirty five a month, all fees & installation waived. I'm test driving for a month, before I leave.

Waiting for Gallup friend to return from family trip to Calif. before asking details on where, on the Navajo reservation, his Grandma lives. That's where I'll be staying. So, uncertain if there's cell tower coverage out there, but it's only fifteen miles from Gallup, and just about everybody out there accesses FaceBook from cell phones, esp. Navajos, who seem always to be driving!

Anyway, given my limited budget, providing Verison covers me, do you think it's my best option? I don't watch television. I watch media on the PC, so don't need a cable or satellite internet.

solar battery chargers, battery lights

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I have solar battery chargers that work with AA, AAA, C and D batteries. Be careful! I'm in New Mexico and MELTED one, leaving it outside in summer for too many hrs.
Here's a selection at eBay, where you can also buy rechargable batteries, IN BULK, rather cheaper than even Walmart. Be careful which kind you get, so it's compatible with your charger:
http://electronics.shop.ebay.com/Battery-Charger-Combos-/50603/i.html?_nkw=solar+battery+charger&_catref=1&_fln=1&_trksid=p3286.c0.m282

 

Here's their battery powered xmas lights.
http://shop.ebay.com/i.html?_nkw=battery+christmas+lights&_sacat=0&_odkw=solar+battery+charger&_osacat=50603&_trksid=p3286.c0.m270.l1313

 

If you study some online websites, you'll find ways to take standard AC xmas lights and wire them directly into an old battery case of

Mylar blanket insulation

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I don't use mylar blankets on my BED. I hang them from curtain rods over my windows, with my cheap, fleece blankets.

There are some fancy ones, quilted, but i just need sun blocking and vapor barrier, so I use the cheap, dollar ones. Bought 12 for eight dollars, incl. ship, on ebay. They're BIG; cover lots of area, can be doubled up over windows.
http://shop.ebay.com/i.html?_nkw=emergency+blanket&_sacat=0&_odkw=LED+lights&_osacat=20697&_trksid=p3286.c0.m270.l1313

I have 2 sets of curtain rods on each window. In winter, I hang the blankets closest to window, with mylar inside cabin. Blankets heat in sunlight, push drafts back out. Mylar reflects internal cabin heat & light back into cabin.

In my unheated house, I've hung them on the walls of the room in which I live/sleep: keeps wall drafts out, reflects heat & light back into room. Wish I could have thumb tacked them to ceilings, too. Will do in trailer.

The dollar store had those quilted, mylar windshield covers for cars, so i bought 4 and thumb tacked them to windowsills in my house last summer. Didn't cover whole area, so let light in on sides. But, with windows cracked, let out most of desert heat all day long.

In summer, Mylar hangs closest to window, to reflect sunlight back outside. I leave a window cracked. When air conditioning, blankets are drawn on rod closest to cabin, as extra insulation to keep cool air inside.

Mylar also works as a 1-way mirror: you can see out; others can't see in.

As to LED lights, they come in MANY forms. I simply use xmas lights, stapled to ceiling, to light entire trailer, all night long, for about the same as a conventional nightlight.

http://home.shop.ebay.com/Lamps-Lighting-Ceiling-Fans-/20697/i.html?_nkw=LED+lights&_catref=1&_fln=1&_trksid=p3286.c0.m282

this ain't Little House on the Prairie

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I think I have now earned my right to call myself a frontier woman. I found what looks like a complete set of Louis Lamour paperbacks out in the trailer I'm fixing up to live in yesterday. Today, I used 4 as kindling, to heat the house & boil some water to take a bird bath in the kitchen sink.

 

demolition

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Yesterday, I removed the bed cabinet in the back bedroom. I now have a 6x5 foot space for my recording studio. The electrical system, a heating vent and storage for tools with outside access are under the bed. I unbolted everything to move it from the middle of the room. I also removed a nasty, little end table that did not want to come out and was so small and dark, it was hard to see where the screws were. I took out these ugly window valances: orange, almost burlap, full of dust, backed in thin plywood. The whole trailer has same window treatment. Yuck.

Everything in filing cabinets that could get damaged by rain/snow is now inside the trailer, too: photos & clothing.

Today, I took out the breakfast nook that turns into a bed: 2 bench cabinets, a table and a WALL that was glued in with the meanest glue I ever saw, but she's out in the yard now, darn it! So, there's no divider between kitchen/living area anymore. I'm putting my freezer there, opposite the counter & refrigerator, and also some short filing cabinets to serve as extra counter space.I removed all valances from kitchen and living room.

I removed the upper half of another, nasty, corner cabinet, right by the front door. I'll put a filing cabinet there, too. I'll have to take out the bottom either later today or tomorrow. Again, just can't see inside it, so it's hard to find the screws.

I measured the couch that turns into a bed. The space is big enough for my bunk bed frame: double on bottom, twin on top. It's welded bars and I like it because I can grab an upper bar to help pull me out of bed, and can hang baskets overhead with remotes, telephone, books, kleenex, etc. and a lamp, electric blanket controls, etc. The upper bunk is storage and cat beds.

I am leaving all hanging cabinets for linen storage, etc. and also for cat hideouts. I discovered today that these cabinets all have false bottoms, with a one inch empty space. This will be good for hiding money, etc. inside metal boxes. Nobody will find it.

Even with a 6x4 foot bed in the living area, there should be plenty of room to walk to kitchen on one end and studio/closets/bath on other end.

My back is mad at me, but I keep working. Next week, after the ground dries, I'm going to drag that freezer out of the back door, through the gravel and goat head stickers and LIFT, drag and push it into the trailer. Then, I can bring in everything that goes around it.

It's the opposite with the bed. Everything else has to go in first and the bed last, so I have room to maneuver. I don't have the propane heating system checked out yet, nor electricity for a space heater running to it, anyway. So, I'll stay in here and use up firewood.

I found all the appliances: electric box, water heater, furnace. I haven't found the fresh- or black-water tanks yet, but know where the switches are to operate them an where the sewage discharge is.

Maybe, by the end of next week, I could take a shower!

Rachel's coming Sunday to go over all the appliances, etc. so I know how to use them. Mean time, I'll try to look them up online, if I can find model #s, brands, etc.

I'm necessarily covering one kitchen window with the freezer, filing cabinets, etc. So, I'll hang mylar & one of those cheap blankets (I bought eight fleece blankets at 2/$4 for insulation), so sun won't heat freezer. Summers, I'll vent air through louvered windows there to keep things cooler. Winters, I'll enjoy the extra heat retention.

There's a big window in the living room: about 4 feet tall by 3 feet wide. I think I'll build one of those aluminum can heaters and put it in that window. That means trailer will need to face so that window is south.

I wouldn't mind real conservatives

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I wouldn't mind real conservatives, but we don't have any. Real conservatives would conserve our beautiful land, water and air. Real conservatives would conserve our funds and not go to war on such flimsy pretexts. Real conservatives would conserve our standing internationally by practicing diplomacy instead of coercion. Real conservatives would conserve our children's peace of mind & security, saying, "if it isn't good for our kids, it isn't good." Real conservatives wouldn't allow corporate welfare and bailouts to their cronies, lobbyists and campaign donors. Real conservatives would preserve the Constitution and Bill of Rights from witch burners and corporations as "individuals." Real conservatives would conserve our youngest and bravest, rebuilding our infrastructure, rather than coming home with PTSD or in body bags. Real conservatives would conserve our cultural heritages, ethnic roots and multiplicity of traditions. Real conservatives would cherish our elders and harbor them safely. Real conservatives would find the concepts of homelessness, starvation, torture, abuse, rape, etc. too inhuman to allow. Real conservatives would preserve heirloom seed stocks, eschew chemicals on crops and in livestock. Real conservatives would conserve the environment, cultural diversity, social infrastructure.... real conservatives would come from a place of love and hope. Reactionaries come from a place of hate and fear. Where are the conservatives?

hyperbolic headline from Mother Jones

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Obama Goes Medieval on the Left

He's right, even IF his motives are calculated to win back independents. You armchair philosopher types, looking down your noses at us low income folks, demanding we conform to YOUR Whole Foods/Whole Paycheck standards have driven off alleys you could have registered as voters, worked with to design programs we REALLY need (not PhD thesis/grant writing proposals that never saw life on the ground first), built a huge base of INFORMED democracy and really transformed things. Instead, you sit on your free range butts, sneering at Palin & Beck, while the real social activists in this nation get NO press coverage, NO moral support and NO platform as role models for the rest of us as to participatory democracy. I'm as sick of you as I am of the Tea Parody lynch mobs. A pox on BOTH YOUR HOUSES! You can't stop wars, repair Katrina damage, stop GMOs and other poison agribusiness, teach science in schools or truly love your neighbors. You just blow smoke and hot air in your ivory towers. You won't let me drive an old beater car, cuz of the pollution, but won't help me have access to GREEN transportation! Eat that, you sprout muching neo-hipsters. 

stress relief

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Jumping through hoops

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i will not "jump" through their hoops. 1 NO medication; I need every brain cell I have left and my so-called "hypervigilence" from PTSD (in other words, knowing what can go wrong, where I'm vulnerable and how to work around that) is probabl...y the only thing that's kept me alive so long. 2 NO "faith" based "help." I am Queer; they discriminate. I can, and would not, change the fact i'm Queer if i could, any more than i can change my race or eye color and i will NOT hear condemnations about "sin" and "perversion" from superstitions hypocrites for a baloney sandwich and a dirty, old coat. 3 The assumption I need mental "health services," which no longer provide real psychotherapy, but only 12 step bumper sticker slogans, religious platitudes and DRUGS, required as clinics are funded more by grants from Big PhRMA lobbying groups, no longer provide healing services for us so-called "high functioning" people. 4 Every concession I've ever made to a corrupt, inept system has only exacerbated my vulnerability and eroded my civil rights. Example: Adult "Protective Services" can demand an illegal, warrentless search of a person's living space, based soley on an anonymous rumor of need, no matter that the "report" may have been made out of vengeance, attempts to control the individual reported, etc. My landlord recently "reported" the conditions of this house to APS and said I was not mentally competent to take care of myself, in order to try to get me thrown out, to break my lease and save him the $ of filing court fees for an eviction. i had to submit to an "inspection" of my home, or be taken away for a psychiatric examination, without a warrant, without probable cause. Fortunately, it is easy to distract them from the real issues of the property. APS left satisfied I am competent and not in danger. They made half a dozen promises of help, did not follow through and will not return my phone calls, seeking information about what they offered. Case closed. I nearly ended up in a mental hospital, my home vulnerable to robbery and my animals dead, because the land lord could gossip about me? THE SYSTEM KILLS PEOPLE and that is not hyperbole. That's why I'm trying to find a trailer or camper and rent some land to live on. I want to live the rest of my life out in peace. I'll be dead soon enough and I want no further abuse. i won't even go to a food pantry. I'd rather dumpster dive. I eat very well on my $3 a day. I don't NEED their junk food, sermons and hoops.

staying outside the system

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i get food stamps: over $100 for the first time ever, $3/day for food. I get SSDI $703/mo. I get medicare medicaid, but very rarely utilize it; it's just too problematic and I'm trying to stay out of the system as much as i can, since the system is dangerous, incompetent, corrupt, dysfunctional and invasive.

 

that housing coalition is the waiting list I'm on. and it is VERY corrupt and invasive. Also, I can't live around ppl w behavioral health challenges who act out, don't respect boundaries, intimidate, etc. and no animals. The animals are not... negotiable. They are my companions and I am responsible for them. They're the only family i have. They protect, balance, entertain, center, console, amuse and touch me. Humans threaten, insult, harass, abuse, spread gossip and behave toward me as predators and parasites. I need my animal companions as much as they need me. That's why I'm living in this filthy slum: to keep them safe in a place that's zoned for livestock.

resources where I live

few. county totally broke & so is state. not homeless yet. living in ExTREMELY substandard housing. if authorities find out, it'll be condemned & I'll b evicted & animals will die. and neighbors will steal what's left of what didn't get sto...len last year. I've been on a waiting list for EMERGENCY, homelessness prevention housing for over a year now. and that housing has people with serious behavioral health issues, and i certainly can't keep my animals. no pub. transpo.; have to hitch hike, take train & buses 80 miles, round trip 1x/mo for provisions in Albuquerque.

fire wood

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The fire wood is another example. I applied for Low income Heating Assistance again this year. Last year. Dept. Human Services paid a bit toward electric and referred me to another agency for fire wood (the latter saved my life last winter). This year, I reapplied. Dept. Human Services did not know, however, or did not inform me, that the other agency had no funding for fire wood this year. I accepted help with electricity. THE DAY the electric co-operative got paid was the day i found out about the fire wood. What i had not been told was that Dept. Human Services COULD have paid for fire wood, but not both. So, I got $200 for electricity, which, if I'm very careful, MIGHT last 2 months; winter here lasts six months, frequent below-freezing temps. I saved as much wood as I could last year, but, if the weather stays this cold, it'll be gone in about 2 or 3 weeks. Since I'll have to move soon, I really can't afford to buy and abandon most of $200 worth of delivered fire wood. I'm screwed. i could literally die, and the agencies responsible don't care. I'm burning junk furniture I had to remove from this place when I moved in, bits of particle board and other toxic wood products to extend my fire wood. I also save up paper products to burn. And I use the ashes from the fires as cat litter. I fil out their damn forms; they make false promises and go home in warm cars to full refrigerators and warm houses? The state invested in junk bonds, bad mortgages and hedge funds and I get to freeze to death?

Pygmy Goat Happy Dance

iframe class youtube-player type text/html width 425 height 344 src http://www.youtube.com/embed/3H3261x-QgI?fs 1 frameborder 0 > /iframe>

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balloon fiasco

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The Dems squandered the good will & grassroots organizing the minute the doors to the White House opened. They lost momentum, trust, enthusiasm. I'd keep getting emails and all they wanted was five dollar donations from me, on food stamps! ...I thought, what the frick FOR?? They screwed the pooch, the queers, youth vote, inner city vote, etc. The Tea parody was organized quickly, thanks to Faux Noise. We should have had a proactive, positive message counter balance amongst progressives. Even at the Comedy Central rally, nobody asked anybody to vote, except Tony Bennett, bless his grizzled heart. The Dems puffed up a big, shiny balloon full of hot air, got us all up to 20,000ft so they could ascend the Golden Staircase, then left us up there with no more fuel or blankets for warmth. And it's been a terrifying trip back down. Don't blame the victims.

You know, I think CONSTRUCTiVE CRITICISM is not hate speech or negativity. I think some of us asked questions and were ignored because the party machine didn't want to bust a sweat The Dems had a great grassroots network going, but squandered it, lost momentum and trust and didn't build on it. This country could have had a positive, proactive movement to counteract the Tea Parody: going into inner cities, out to rural areas, onto reservations, building infrastructure, registering voters, EDUCATING voters, etc. Instead, all I got was emails asking me to donate five dollars! FOR WHAT?? business as usual??? I don't have heat, running water or sewage, but i tried to clean a park in the early days of this admin. and did a bunch of stuff during the campaign. in Ft. Sumner, New Mexico, where they called me a "n!gger lover" and said Obama was the antiChrist! I put my ass on the LINE for this President, and I'm not even a Democrat! I'm registered Green Party! Asking questions and wanting accountability is NOT HATE SPEECH!

Dem machine runs into ditch...again

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We can't blame the Tea Parody for what happened. Here's what i wrote about Susanna Martinez, winning Governor of New Mexico: You half assed, complacent NM Democrats getting the message NOW? Your “machine” has been broken for DECADES! And it’s us POOR folk who are now going to get to suffer! THANKS A LOT, you Starbucks swilling, Prius driving, platitude spouting, boutique foods eating SNOBS!

And whose fault is it? What did the Dems do to educate voters, register the poor, refute the talking points of, or, better yet, REVEAL the Karl Rove machine? A lot of hand wringing and finger pointing, but no real leadership. If we are fat,... it's because we're low income and there's only healthy food for the wealthy. If we are dumb, it is because the privileged keep information as power to themselves. If we are racist, it is because the power elites keep us poor folk fighting for crumbs with each other. Why didn't the Dems address any of that? The Green party does. So, screw your stereotypes about poor folks! THAT attitude COST you this election! WE ARE YOUR NEIGHBORS AND WE ARE SUFFERING!

 You can NOT blame the poor if we have been given NO alternatives to reactionary ideologues! The Dems are too concerned with their own privilege and NEVER even TRIED to get in the trenches with us and really help us lift ourselves! And whenever one of us TRIES to work with "liberals," they look down their noses at us because we smoke or don't speak PC or don't know how to do things they take for granted. They ridicule us, mock us and try to shame us into silence. I know this because I LIVE THIS! WE are NOT welcome by the liberal, academic elite! YOU CANNOT BLAME THE VICTIM! That's like hearing a woman was raped and asking, "what was she wearing?" as though she deserved it! Liberals don't WANT us to participate, to vote, to learn; they want to keep the power in their own hands, just like the GOP. We are scared and desperate; the GOP saw that and exploited it, just like they always do! Sometimes, when you're really poor, ALL YOU HAVE is your bible and your gun! The dems did NOTHING to dispel our fear!

because they don't TELL US they're taking them away! THEY tell us they're cutting high fallutin pork, like people paying for psychics and marijuana in broke California with their welfare atm cards, or high speed rail or chipmunk counting research or.....AND they don't tell us about corporate welfare and and and.... AND GO EDUCATE YOURSELF ON POOR PEOPLE! I can barely stay alive; it's not my JOB to educate the elite! WHY must you learn on MY BACK! Jesus! The dink who writes the blog Duke City Fix aboout Albuquerque wrote recently about a poor neighborhood I pass through all the time, and I live 40 miles away and hitch, take the train and ride busses round trip up there for groceries every month. BUt THIS genius, who lives within 5 miles of it, had NEVER seen that neighborhood before, and Is A NATIVE! If so called progressives and liberals don't educate & register poor voters, WHO DO YOU THINK WILL!?!?

And where were the liberals and progressives? A few droll signs at the Jon Stewart rally, mostly mocking the tea parody? And, in his press conference, when asked, Stewart said it wasn't his job to ask people to vote? Only Tony Bennett, after his song, actually said, "vote!" The dems should INVESTIGATE Faux Noise and get it shut the fuck DOWN, but make sure there are REAL JOURNALISTS to fill the gap: not DEM journalists, REAL ones.

What do you get?

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MOVIE: "Delicatessen"

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Technically and artistically, the film is perfect, except for the script. I was left with so many questions about back story, I could barely concentrate on precocious shenanigans and Rube Goldberg machinations. It is all extremely clever and everyone associated with it is professional, creative and amusing. But, for it to be a dark comedy, to me, I need more reason to accept the circumstances. I guess I need to see beyond the bombed street and crumbling apartments. The mail carrier, taxi driver and new tenant are our only real clues to the world beyond, but they reveal too little. If I had the talent, production $, professional stature and access to such talented crew & cast, I think I may have created something with a bit more substance? I would not want anything polemic or soap box, but something to help my viewers feel something beyond mild amusement, being impressed with how clever I am and thinking the universe is only a patchwork collection of individual experiences and ignorance. This does not enlighten, inspire or amuse me and that is a fundamental requirement I hold for true art. This is very proficient craftsmanship, but not art.

MOVIE: "Howard Zinn: You Can't Be Neutral"

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Why, when progressives make it out of working class backgrounds and become academics, they turn their backs on us, using us only for rhetorical purposes? Someone states it was the idea of soldiers to round up & execute village men & relocate women & children in Viet Nam/ this was called Operation County Fair. It was the idea of commanders. Soldiers are factory workers: do as told, produce the product for which paid. The ONLY difference is that, if they refuse to produce, they do not just get fired; they can be put in prison &, in advanced cases, executed. That is a lot of pressure to put on a working class person who is just trying to feed a family & keep buddies on the field alive. This is an example of how the working class is exploited as a tool by the academic intelligentsia: they forget we are watching occasionally, & a statement like that slips out. They do not care about, associate with or TANGIBLY support those of us outside their rarefied atmosphere. So, Boston is prissy enough to make Dunkin Donuts call their shop something else? THAT is a metaphor: do not get too close to Harvard & Unitarian Universalism unless you cloak your crass capitalism as something trendy. Zinn likes Dunkin Donuts coffee. It is not free trade coffee, nor are the workers unionized. With his financial privilege, he could drink any coffee in the world. Where is the peace movement now? Am I supposed to really believe it is just coincidence that Bush is replaced by Obama & Not In Our Name is silent about the wars? Zinn seems like a nice fellow, if what he says is sincere. But we cannot fall into the reactionary trap of turning cultural workers into saints. It is no more honest, & as much revisionist history as the film, Molokai: The Story of Father Damien. I reviews that film on Nutflox, too. I affirm here what I said there, I like pagans a whole lot more than saints. Just cuz u can sing Brother, Can You Spare a Dime? does not mean you can relate to us.

MOVIE: "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"

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This garbage is still going on in so called mental "health" facilities. Now days, they rely more heavily on drugs as chemical rather than physical restraints. Also, thanks to big PhRMA, now everybody gets a diagnosis, so they can sell more drugs. Abuse is rampant. Mac is no antihero; he is a hero. He tried to comply. He was polite, calm and cheerful. But he thought for himself and showed compassion for the other inmates. That made him a complete threat to a brittle and nonfunctional system of abuse, control and repression. He had to be stopped. If behavioral health were treated using dignity, actual listening, respect, encouraging a sense of accomplishment, honest sexuality and just plain fun, more people would ahve fulfilling, productive lives, rather than wandering the streets, jails and wards in hell on Earth.

MOVIE: "Life as a House"

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Everything I thought this movie would be, as I began to watch it, turned out not to be true. I saw an arrogant, willful, repressed, selfish and impulsive jackass, tearing through the people around him with no regard for their safety or well being. Then, I saw his son and knew I was right. His son was even worse: raging, drowning his soul in mind altering chemicals and high risk behavior. This man had destroyed his child. I hated this man. Even as he started tearing down the old house, I thought, the materians should be recycled, not thrown in a dumpster. He needs to control his dog. He needs not to urinate where children can see him. He thought he was going to teach his son to be a man that summer: working on that project together. What really happened was that HE learned how to be a man: to be intimate, to listen, to protect, to open up and be honest. He made a multi-generational ammends for sins of the father. And his son? Well, that still makes me smile. I wish I had a parent who would have done this for me. I wish I had a child I could give this gift.

MOVIE: "Munyurangabo"

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http://munyurangabo.blogspot.com/ 

Well, I cannot speak for you, but I am a pretty intelligent, resourceful, creative person, and I KNOW I could never make a film this poignant in eleven days, with no professional actors, nearly completely improvised, with no money or proficiency in the language in which it was spoken. Technically, I suppose there is a lot that could be better. But I did not come to this film to have Spielberg obfuscate reality with clever tricks bought with corporate dollars to dazzle the dullards. I came here to visit Rwanda, to learn what is happening since the genocide, to meet some people, to hear some stories, to share some porridge. This film let me do that. At least, in Rwanda, when they sling mud, it does some good: not like here in the US, where it is applied so harshly in a continually failing attempt to make ourselves not look so bad by making others look worse. Just because Edison of the USA invented the motion picture camera and whites of European descent decided what the standards are of the motion picture INDUSTRY (not arts), decided how it MUST be used, by everyone, everywhere in the world, does not mean that, in the hands of dedicated, indigenous students the camera cannot be a tool of real change. This may not be film school genius, but it is soul genius. When did we movie watchers forget the value of that? And I am thrilled to see that young men can embrace each other so easily, and are not ashamed to cry.

MOVIE: "Son of Man"

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From Mexican Pastorales to Michegan Sunday school pageants, humans try to portray what the stories of Jesus mean for them. None is historically accurate; none are literal interpretations of the four contradictory Gospels. All are, potentially, poignant, heart felt metaphors and allegories. All renditions are incomplete and imperfect, including the King James version of the Bible. So, let us get over that, please. No film about Jesus goes uncriticized, usually by those steeped in religious traditions that have, tragically, taken poetry, allegory, metaphor and symbolism out of faith and replaced them with rigid doctrines, literalist interpretations, fear and hatred of The Other. SOM is not ths story of Jesus. It is a question: if Jesus were born on the African continent now, what might happen and how would it look? This is liberation theology: we are all sons of man. God is supposed to be love. We are made in the likeness of God. So, where is the love? Yes, Jesus is, finally, Black, strong and virile. He espouses non-violence, justice and personal dignity for everyone, women included. Everybody is Black African; this is not about racism, but oppression & liberation. I will never call myself a Christian, because of cultural abuses of that word. I am agnostic. If I had lived in such a vivid interpretation of spirituality, rather than rigid, dogmatic repression, this might not have been true for me. Liberation, salvation, redemption are for everyone. I loved this film.

http://www.southafrica.info/what_happening/arts_entertainment/son-of-man-250106.htm 

 

MOVIE: "Molokai: The Story of Father Damien"

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Mutant Reviews From Hell, a website, cites a telling discrepancy between history and this film: Damien had no conviction, on his death bed, that he had done enough to enter heaven. Kind of blows your mind, doesn't it? While Mutant thinks this a minor historical dissonance, I think it is fundamental: Damien was a person; now he is a saint. Any rumors of inappropriate activities, any qualms about his possible lack of humility, ANY character faults of the poor dude are buried in bells and smells, as the church gilds his story, just like all the others. Want to become radicalized? Work with the people who need it most; everybody will hate you and tell you to your face to be more considerate of other people. So, no, I did not enjoy the magical thinking, sanctifying of a regular guy with a back breaking job, to boot. Now, I watched this film because I love Hawaii. I love Hawaiians. You know: the inconvenient ones, who want to save their ecosystem from environmental degradation? Who want to be a sovereign nation again? Who want the OLD traditions of Hula, not the cheap tourist entertainment? You know, the grouchy, real Hawaiians? Well, none of them really appear in this film. They are MENTIONED. They have one or two minor scenes. I happen to think that, if a group of exiles is capable of organizing prostitution, theft and black market rings in the colony, they are probably not all a bunch of passive, brown sheep: heads lowered, whimpering, singing three part harmony in the background. I think their story would be very interesting. Nope. Hot here. This is the story of white, European and US people, how important they were, how clever they are, how educated and articulate they can be. No Hawaiians were ever in danger of spraining a jaw from speaking too much, let alone too honestly, in this film. I hated it. Hawaiians, please produce some juicy, indy stuff and get it on NutFlux. I like pagans a whole lot better than  saints.

MOVIE: "Mary & Max"

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I keep seeing superficial reviews, calling this movie strange. This is about regular humans, in a regular friendship, living individual lives, struggling to understand what it is, exactly, the Universe wants of them and why it will not drop any hints. Attention to detail is meticulous: it is one of the best furnished claymation films I have ever seen. The musical choices were sophisticated; sometimes, I laughed out loud at the compositions chosen for various scenes. This is one of the best portrayals of the rights of people with behavioral health challenges I have ever seen: we do not need to change to make others comfortable; we just need to love ourselves. Que Sera Sera tore a hole in me; I have been where she was and survived. The depictions of genuine emotions was stunning, considering it is clay. This is NOT a depressing film! Exactly the opposite: this film is filled with celebrations of life! The end was magnificent. Mary and Max were SO lucky to have found and befriended each other! I only have two friends in the whole world; my own behavioral health challenges provoke hate, fear and mockery in sheeple. I am sending them this film to thank them for sticking by me through a lifetime of chocolate hot dogs and ancient roosters. To the rest of you for whom superficial, easy attachments are normal: I feel sorry for you. We who are confused by your world know the true value of love and dignity, on the most profound levels. I wish I could just live in that world. As the movie began to wind down, I looked at my timer counter and reaized: I am really going to miss this place.

My favorite scene, Que Sera Sera

COMEDY: "Jake Johannsen, I Love You!"

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People laugh for the same reason dogs bark: when they are confronted by the truth (I am parphrasing Lily Tomlin there). NOBODY gets injured in this routine, unless you count the comedian but not really him, either., Well, when his daughter reaches adolescence, if she finds out some of the stories he told, she may either run away from home, get into therapy, join a cult or kill him in his sleep. See, this is not standard self deprication: I am a jackass, or pathetic, or unconventional and you should laugh at that. He is not insulting himself so much as exposing himself. It takes healthy self confidence, humility and just the right amount of self love to be so exposed to a room full of strangers. All of us may not go through exactly what he describes, but we know, in our intimate, secret selves, that these kinds of uncomfortable self revelations happen; we usually just try to forget about them. He makes a routine about them. I laughed at some of this until I was squeezing out tears. This is an ordinary guy, trying to understand what in the heck is expected of him: too intelligent to just blindly obey and too timid to revolt. There is a slight tremor in his voice that is endearing. He looks and dresses like any guy on the bus. Nothing about him is especially attractive or interesting. But when he opens his mouth, and his mind comes pouring out, all I could do was smile, wide eyed at how clearly and lovingly he ponders reality. I am telling all my friends. I feel better about myself and the world, having watched this. It is not life changing, just life enhancing.

Jesus rides

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A guy picked me up, hitch hiking, the other day. He told me Jesus told him to pick me up. It had nothing whatsoever to do, I suppose, with the fact that I, a fat, disabled, older woman with a load of groceries was standing in the hot, desert sun with my thumb sticking out. He takes no personal responsibility for his own decisions; either God or satan tell him what to do. He can blame every aspect of his life on somebody else. I didn't reply to his Jesus comment. I did tell him a little about my life. I'm 5 miles from the nearest, small town. There's no public transpo and I have no car. Every room in my house has at least one broken window, which I've patched with bits of glass and clear silicone. I have no running water, no sewage, no heat in winter. I poo in a bucket and bury it in the yard. I have no friends or family here to help me. First few days of summer, it was over 110f in my house, as I had no air conditioning. He heard all of it and commented on none of it. If Jesus were actually directing his actions and decisions, would he not have offered to gather a few of his fellow congregants to help me make this place habitable? Not doing anything is a decision, which he can't recognize, of course. He didn't want to help me; he wanted to recruit me. He's not alone. Most people who pick me up start immediately cramming their religion down my throat. They never ask if I have a faith or show any interest in what it might be or who I am. They assume that, because I'm poor, I need to be saved. I guess God is only for the middle class. If you're poor, you're going to Hell. 

MOVIE: "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee"

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thought I knew this story. I first heard it in one of the first Native American history classes offered on this continent, over thirty years ago. It has been part of my concept of reality ever since. But it was theoretical and political. This film is visceral: a little boy, having his hair (and all his memories)cut for the first time: both the character he portrays AND his own hair pounded a hole in my heart. I knew Sitting Bull traveled with Bill Cody, but I never grasped that he was a roadside attraction, a tourist trap, just like the people on the road to the south rim of the Grand Canyon who now sell Mexican blankets and Chinese beads to tourists. I felt so embarrassed, so sad and SO protective of Sitting Bull as that realization dawned on me. Charles, who chooses his so called Christian name just so he can speak in class to defend his chief, tricked by his teacher into a huge slip into assimilation. The recreation of the photos of the frozen bodies in the snow. The pot of dead mice, fading to the dead child and a tear on Sitting Bull's face. It was all a genius heartfelt production from all. I just wish they had used more contemporary: white, African American AND Native music for the score. The Hollywood Philharmonic orchestrations took me out of the movie; they were melodramatic. I had to go outside and watch the sun set after I saw this, let the wind wash my mind from the images. It took a long while before I could listen to the actors' commentaries. I got little from the director's, beyond a history lesson, and turned that off rather soon. This is work. Your heart must be open but protected. Do not try to see this movie in a hury. It is a memorial; treat it with honor.

the well pump

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10am, Thur, July 8

I have about 20 2 liter soda bottles full of water in cabinets. That's it.

h2o lines burst when frozen. leave h2o at drizzle only, constantly, esp. last winter, to prevent further freezing. That's to the house. the hose spigot worked fine. Now, there is no water at all.

So, no swamp cooler for air conditioning, no bathing, no dish or clothes washing, no flushing urine (I poop in bucket & bury in back yard).

No transportation to lug heavy water home. Think there's a thirty five cent/gallon h2o dispenser at grocer in Belen, not sure.

Neighbors brought me portable heat pump/air conditoner, but it burns a LOT of electricity.

I'll have to seal off livingroom again, like I did in winter, to keep this habitable if possible.

Can't move out.

Haven't heard from landlord in 3 months; hasn't even collected rent.

I'm screwed. It's barely July.

Garden will die. damn

how to water goats?

 

4am Fri, July9

 

I'm not sure I understand what these people say they did, but they built a brumby pump for under fifty bucks. I can, too, if I can figure it out.

Rachel, I still have that little compressor of yours; it's bigger than what they used and water GUSHES out! Would only turn on when water needed. Can store in bottles. Need water for garden, and can attach hose to PVC pipe. Can build this weekend, if I can figure this out.

Here's their video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjYLPW93-EA

 

Hope I can get old pump OUT of well. Will look tomorrow.

5 am

This one has a sensor to turn off/on compressor. don't need that. but it's a pretty good schematic, if a bit TINY!

http://www.airwellpumps.com/HowDoesItWork.aspx

 

I can't find anymore online. I don't really need the balls in the one above. air bubble will drive h2o to surface and will suction more h2o for next charge.

THe couple in the vid. I sent you suggested making small holes in capped off air line.

THey make "fish stones" for aquarium aeration.  I could use that.

http://www.pet-dog-cat-supply-store.com/shop/shop_image/product/9f4b418494da85c9c4c78d885b5575f0.jpg

 

Gotta check that air compressor doesn't blow it off end of tube, though...

I can buy parts tomorrow or Saturday at a place in Belen.

Sat, July 10, noon

Guy came out and fixed my well. Couple of electrical parts were bad. Don't have a pressure switch now, so I have to run hose on full when water's on for air cond., laundry, etc. then turn off power to well. Can't let pressure build; burn up pump!

So, I'm lyin here nekkid, after hitching back from grocery store, a/c on, laundry going, all my bottles & tubs full, sprinkler running out front in my garden, letting a cat lick my toe.

Got a good deal on marked down rotisserie chickens; bought all seven @ $1.50 each, corn tortillas cheap, lots of marked down cookies, tons of marked down bananas, cheap grapes . . .  I filled my baby stroller contraption!

Gonna make chicken tacos. Weasel & I snacked on some chicken in the parking lot of the grocery while I stuck out my thumb. I gave cats & dogs a whole chicken to fight over... that was fun.

Yesterday exhausted and dehydrated me. I was overheated: headache, dizzy . . . couldn't get enough to drink.

I believe I'll take the rest of today off, except easy, light chores. I've never been so scared in my life. I can put up with burying poop, with only having water part time, with the long walk & hitch hike to get ANYTHING, with the heat, poisonous bugs, missing electricity in parts of the house, blowing sand . . . but when that well stopped working, jesus.

Of course, I immediately made a plan, so next time, I won't be so scared. I have 55 gal drums neighbors can fill. I can get drinking water from a dispenser at grocery, 5 miles from here. I planned how to keep garden alive, do laundry, etc. without running water, using pumps, etc. But that REALLY SCARED ME!

I can probably rig up some way to pump h2o up through the hole for the air cond. to keep the reservoir filled, if this happens again.

All the well and pump guys have been really nice, telling me what I need to do to keep from killing the well pump.

Winter will be very hard, if I can't put a pressure switch on before then. It costs $25, but I am not sure if I can get the old one off. Tried the other day, and couldn't get it loose.

I'm hiding in my house for as long as I can. I am to the point where I really hate going out in public or even talking on the phone.

Like the guy who gave me a ride home today: am i married, do I live alone... I just said I don't like to answer personal questions for my own safety. Fortunately, he accepted it.

Ugly Betty arrived once I had bathed and rested yesterday. The box was almost three feet square! FULL of stuff! I have beautiful, cheerful, hand made things all over the house from the show now. It was just like xmas, opening the wrappings to see what was there. I got a lot more stuff than I had thought. A lot is much better quality than I had imagined, and cuter. Everything has tags or stickers from the auction house that states it came from Ugly Betty. When I woke this morning, it was like the day after xmas. I couldn't wait to get out of bed, wander the house and see the wonderful things I got! What a treat!

There's even a weird coffee mug with a face on it, hand made, I think by a kid, marked "J. Hernandez" on the bottom. I'd love to use it, but don't know if it could stand the microwave, as I warm pre made pots of coffee, since I can't function right for several hours in the moring, plus the mug has an auction sticker on it. It comes from the kitchen of Betty's last apt. in Manhattan, season 4. My husband's name is Juan Hernandez, by coincidence.

Lots of coincidences with this lot of stuff, really. Just little things in common that make me smile.

Have gone through all Ugly Betty DVDs on Netflix, except Season 4 (final) which will be released in August, in time for my birthday.

The auction, and rewatching old Ugly Betty episodes, inspired me to go back to my old ways of dressing in interesting colors, textures, etc. with off beat accessories. I learned a lot about wardrobe from UB. It isn't just Betty, either: as the show goes on, you begin to see even the stylish people dressing in patterns, textures and colors you wouldn't think would go together, but look really sharp. My favorite is Michael Urie, who plays Gay Marc. His wardrobe gets AWESOME by the end of the show. He played Vanessa Williams' assistant. Here's a BEAUTIFUL ensemble:
http://www.imdb.com/media/rm2320406784/nm1235530

 

 

July 10, 3pm

Thanks for noticing my skill. I was always smart (not something I take credit for, but feel responsible for). But I was raised middle class female in the San Fernando Valley in the fifties & sixties. All institutions in my life expected me NOT to fend for myself; someone else would take care of me.

So, a lot of my anger as a young woman came from not being taken care of, even though I was a teen runaway, hanging out with radical Lesbian feminists, Olivia Records, the Women's Building, the Lesbian Tide, etc.

I was powered by terror and righteous indignation, mostly.

My standard of living has degenerated gradually over the years. The economy's much tighter now than it was in the seventies. And I've progressively lived more and more rural, until now I find myself in a harsh, desert frontier. I've been thinking about my neighbors' indifference to my life threatening circumstances recently. I have finally come to the realization that the influence of the Conquistadors and Patrons of New Mexico are very old world values: empathy and compassion are not practical survival skills here. It's a very predatory system of sizing others up to see if they have any value, ignoring them if they don't.

I accept it. I don't like it and I think.  No, I know it is wrong and counterproductive. But I accept it because that is how it is.

So, over my life, I have been brought down to basic survival, alone. I HAVE to apply my intelligence to resourcefulness and problem solving. NOBODY is going to help me, least of all the people in the agencies who are supposedly paid to do so.

I have been forced to put my feminism where my mouth is. If I want gourmet food, by gawd, I'd better learn to cook.

If I want a running vehicle, I'd better learn mechanics.

If I want a garden, I'd better study how.

If I want animals, I'd better know veterinary medicine.

If I am injured, I'd better know HUMAN medicine.

It is REALLY TOUGH at times. But I have learned I can trust myself. I think that is the greatest accomplishment of my life.

The way my animals feel completely secure, trusting, relaxed and happy under my care, I KNOW I could have been a good mother, partner, friend, lover, community member... if I had been wanted. I no longer blame myself for not being wanted. I don't understand all the reasons why I am so rejected, but I accept that, too.

It's been a big relief not to call myself a failure as a mother anymore, because my baby died. Did I tell you about her?

I nearly killed myself over her death, until I realized my suicide would be the only memorial to her life: rogi killed herself because her daughter died. no way. Viri DIana has not CURED my suicidal impulses, but I can no longer indulge them or flirt with them; I made a contract that I won't kill myself, for her. Her life has GOT to have had some meaning, so I am giving it THIS one.

I feel the water has evaporated from the swamp cooler, so I need to go out and turn water back on.

Thanks for noticing that I just get down to business now and solve problems, rather than wallowing in self pity, panic, pleas for rescue, pointless rage... thank you for noticing.

Time for some air up in here.

You want something from Ugly Betty? I feel like gifting a bit of it. Just a little pottery animal or something? There's a psychedelic green squirrel from Mexico that grins. It is very nice.

 

 

MOVIE: "The Only Good Indian"

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I thought SCHINDLERS LIST would be the most profoundly disturbing film I would ever see. I was wrong. I will not discuss production, techniques, etc. here, except to say the music, the lighting, composition and acting were spiritual (and I do not use that word lightly nor often). US treatment of Native peoples informed Hitler and served as template for treatment of Aboriginals in Australia, Hawaii, Latin America, Africa, the entire planet. I live in New Mexico. I see the effects on Sam Franklins, nearly every day. Kevin Wilmott, director, is listed in Wiki as a Black man and Kansas native; his sensitivity to the subject seems as blood in his veins. I followed the Santa Fe trail, from Albuquerque, through Lawrence, KS. The story of this film was completely invisible to me. I know about boarding schools, but this portrayal was more poignant than RABBIT PROOF FENCE, a profound film. The asylum (which was anything but) is a chilling testament to the pathologizing of free people, which continues today with chemical, instead of iron, restraints. Forced sterilization got mention, which is rare. Native collaboration with US genocide, a tricky discussion, is here. I kept seeing the thousands of silenced stories like this one that need to be told about Native peoples. The film is clear eyed, unsentimental, without polemic or magical thinking. It is nearly documentary in storytelling. The Jews have a saying about the Holocaust: Never Again. We need a filmography, a literature and schools of all art forms that record, with such care and honesty, Manifest Destiny on the North American continent: historically, and contemporarily. The metaphor of the vampire as European invasion is honest; the church as the Castle Dracula was heart breaking.

http://www.theonlygoodindian.com/index2.html 

MOVIE: Ping Pong Playa

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You mean Charlie Chan is not Chinese? I put off watching this film because I thought Table Tennis? It is dorky, boring and embarrassing. I thought a comedy about table tennis? How lame must that be? I NEVER laugh out loud at movies. I laughed SO HARD at this one, I almost puked my soda pop, for real. I grinned from start to finish and my face hurts. You know the stereotype of the Chinese American father who is the stern patriarch, overly demanding, not listening to what his kids really want? THIS father, and the actor who plays him, is a REAL sleeper comedian! The KIDS! Oh, I would think my life was Heaven if I had even one of this clever, cute, brilliant boys doing their slapstick and one liners! The love interest is not a haughty, arrogant, conservative, disproving cardboard cut out. She is, in her subtle and dry way, a very funny straight man. And Chris? I have never seen a character quite like him! What a doofus! Yet, he is intelligent and has a good heart. The actor who plays him deserves a brilliant and long career (I think it would be funny to remake Charlie Chan movies, urban style, with him in the lead!) I do not hear hip-hop style music too well: the lyrics just go by really fast. I loved the music in this! And now, a word about editing. The juxtaposition, in a conversation, about what Chris tells his friend, against what actually happened? Oh, my GAWD! The kids' practices, the final tournament...beautiful. The tiny pocket cycle, the cereal, the vibrating cell phone that lands on his head, the Opium Wars . . . I really REALLY loved this movie! And no, it is NOT racist to point out the IGNORANT things Europeans have said about, and done to, Chinese people! We aint workin on no railroads for free, bro. PS: not Asian here, Im just sayin . . .

 

Golden Cock: ROFLMFAO!