Well, it's quite obvious that the Universe, and I, have seen fit to let me have a second chance, late in life.
It don't come cheap. Wouldn't be worth anything, if it did.
So now I get to work.
I keep telling myself, "it's only fear; it's only pain."
I need to start making calls: to get my teeth fixed, to get my body healthy, to get my legal issues resolved.
This means I'm required to interface with systems which are, at best, indifferent, if not outright hostile to my best interests.
I know, for instance, what dental personnel will think about my teeth. And I know what they'll think about me for "letting" them get in the shape they're in.
I was a nurses' assistant for many years. I was also an attendant to the disabled. And I've dated and related to medical people, off and on, throughout my life.
I know what we say about extreme cases. Like mine.
Back in the day, we'd at least put on a professional face and keep our personal opinions to ourselves. The patients never knew.
But, in these days of Jerry Springer and AM talk radio, all that has become unfashionable. Just watch the TV show, "E.R." They express blatant disgust and their sense of superiority, all the time, to the sick.
I'm not sure I can explain to myself about what's happened to my teeth. I'll try, over time (not right now).
But I don't want to be judged as lazy, crazy, etc. for them.
I'm amazed at the acceptance and tolerance about my teeth from people at the station.
I'm afraid of oral surgeries. How will I get home afterward? How will I feed myself? How will I walk, with a tender mouth?
And how will I sound in a microphone?
I listened to Carl Castle this morning on NPR. He's the news reader. I can tell he wears dentures. I always wonder what he'd sound like with real teeth.
...and I wonder if anybody will hire me, without them.
So, that's just the dental issue.
I also have student loan sharks after me.
I have a warrant I must clear.
I'm scared of a real diagnosis re: my body's pain.
I'm taking this all on faith.
I've been doing tremendously difficult work lately. I've had to draw on resources of strenght, courage, patience, persistance that I didn't even know I really had.
I have prepared a reasonable foundation of internal clarity on which I can depend, as I go external.
But the world of social institutions is littered with traps and obstacles. I don't know how I'll endure it.
I've avoided it my whole life.
It's abusive, cruel, unnatural. It makes me sick. Literally.
And I need to use these same institutions, to try to get well?
How?
Well, slowly, for one thing. I'll need large gaps of time, between encounters. During these, I can sit under trees, write, produce, sew, cook, love......
I will need every trick in my bag to make it through this without damaging myself more than I already am.
I don't want to hurt myself or anybody else, just because I'm tired, scared, in pain....
I don't want to be vulnerable.
I can see myself in waiting rooms with a tablet of paper and a pen, sketching story ideas, drafting letters....
I'll need people around me. I'll need to report in to them and get feedback from them.
I'll need hugs and encouragement.
Well, it's almost 5:30 am.
I heard 2 emails come in: probably spam. I'll check.
Then, it's time to throw on some clothes, get the dog, and walk in the park.
When I get back, I'll have plenty of time to look up phone numbers, create files, and get ready -- hours before the offices of these institutions open.
It's time.
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