Church

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Date: Fri, Sep 12, 2003, 1:39pm
To: (List for Church of the Larger Fellowship members)
Subject: [Clf-l] This list

Yes, I left the list. I didn't like what I was saying to myself about being inadequate, a trouble-maker, shrill, inconsiderate, naive, etc.

I came back because about 6 of you emailed me privately about all kinds of stuff. It was getting too hard to write back 6 different replies. Much easier, I thought, if I just rejoin.

I think part of it is basic, UU bluntness: UUs just say what they think, most times. I'm out of practice, not having a church for over 10 years. When I was churched, I didn't mind it, considered it a normal part of getting things done.

But I've been hiding for a very long time -- especially from myself. It's been too painful to remember important parts of myself which I couldn't act upon: loving, volunteering, creating, discussing, working on community projects, writing liturgy and music, teaching kids, etc. I had to cut off so MUCH of myself, just to survive, I forgot who I was.

Now I find this list. You guys have been haggling it out for years; you've developed a level of familiarity and even intimacy which I haven't experienced in a VERY long time!

I want you to know that this list, you people, have been immediately and profoundly healing for me. I'm beginning to remember who I am, what I value and what I want -- instead of just what I need.

I've been online for about 5 years now. It has saved my sanity from total intellectual isolation. But mostly, it was a one-way street: either I was reading others' websites to which I couldn't reply, or I was writing articles and usenet posts to which others did not reply, or replied negatively.

Yesterday, I was so aggrevated with how remedial alt.discuss (usenet for MSNTV) is, I ALMOST closed ALL my newgroups: Philosophy, skepticism, antiwar, agnostic/UU, and my personal "kitchen table" group.

I came home from the Peace and Justice Center, from an IndyMedia meeting (my first) thinking about closing shop. I'm the ONLY one who provides these forums, and keeps them flame-free. It's HARD WORK.

And I get few posters. And too many of those are self-righteous "christian" fundamentalists and reactionaries who call me unAmerican, Communist, trailer trash, etc.

But, as I turned on the MSNTV, I found email from here that was supportive and validating. And I regained my courage.

Maybe my groups won't be as high a priority in my life as they've been in the past. I'm getting more involved in offline activism.

But I'm NOT going to pull them!

SOMEONE on MSNTV needs to "keep the flame." And several MSNTV users respect and appreciate my efforts.

But I credit this list for reminding me to strengthen my real self. Which is giving me the courage and energy to do what I believe in most.

Thank you,

Rogi
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