Freedom From Speech

I left twice because official representatives of the list sanctioned my speech.

The second time, with an official "demerit" of some sort on some kind of "permanent record," which can silence me permanently.

I was given this demerit for something of which I wasn't aware: Calling names.

I'm not Miss Cleo, the psychic; I had no way of knowing this wasn't permitted or that I could be permanently banned from the list for it.

The FIRST time I left, it was for just this reason: if I don't know what kinds of speech will cause me to be silenced, I can't speak freely. I'll always be afraid and intimidated.

Now, I just got called a "bitch" today, by the member of the Albuquerque UU Fellowship.

I've been called, "crazy, queer, nigger, lazy, liar, thief, ugly and stupid" by UUA members in the past.

see: http://livinginthehood.blogspot.com

I think I've had enough of whatever the double standard is.

My blogs are being sniffed by the military. They have decided I'm subversive. John Ashcroft would have NO problem calling me an ass. Or a traitor. Or a pervert. Or whatever else his self-righteous pin head could come up with.

After my "meeting" with the AUUF today, which was really just a witch trial, I'm done.

My property rights, my right to walk safely, my right to personal dignity and my right to respect haven't been supported by the UUA. Oh, in manifestos, committees, policies, etc, I'm validated, sure. One must keep up appearances.

But when it comes down to the daily basics, no.

Nobody else at that AUUF walked two miles, round trip, to attend services.

It's very important to me.

But I believe in supporting what supports me. And I haven't felt truly supported in the UUA for over thirty years of participation.

This isn't about anger. This is about survival. And I'm not being dramatic here. This really is about survival to me.

Thanks for your correspondence. But I'm tired. UUAs have called me, "prophetic voice, village idiot, class clown, thorn-in-the-side...etc" for decades.

Can you imagine how humiliating that is to me? I just wanted to be part of the group, not some THING people point at as an exception.

And I'm not even that radical, creative, shrill, etc. I'm pretty mundane, compared to REAL trouble makers! I'm not trying to make trouble; I'm just trying to participate.

I feel like a freak and a loser, when stuff like this happens. It's so demoralizing.

So, I give up. I give up on the UUA, on social activism, on joining groups, on all of it. I'm more useful, writing my blogs, tending my garden, picking trash to sell.