Something's Bad Wrong

I'm in way too much pain.

I think my muscles are oxygen deprived: lots of chalie horse symptoms.

And horrible pain in all joints, connective tissues.

Fever, dizziness, bad weakness.

Woke from 3 hr nap and literally could not move. It wasn't like I was paralyzed; I just had no strength. Porkchop was against my back; Mugwart was curled at my belly. I couldn't move them. I couldn't move enough to let them know I wanted to move! Usually, if I can just rock my body slightly, my animals will wake up and move away, so I can get up. I couldn't do it.

There is intense pain, radiating from my hands, up the muscles of my lower arms. It hurts like hell to type.

Now, I did move the webtv, etc., into the bedroom. That friggin junky/drunk, Raoul, makes SO much noise, screaming and startling me, I couldn't get my work done; I'd lose my train of thought.

And I think sitting up in this bed is hurting my lower back and shoulders. And no matter how many pillows I pile up, my arms aren't in a comfortable typing position.

The cramps/oxygen I attribute to smoking. We all know the answer to that. I could use medical help, patches, etc, to stop; but I can't get any medical care.

I'm really scared! I don't KNOW what's wrong with my body and I can't get any help. Nobody believes me. When I go to doctors, they say it's "depression."

Excuse me: do you KNOW any depressed people who: grow gardens, build greenhouses, walk all over town, make art, volunteer, publish their own newsletters, recycle trash?????? EVERY DAY?!?

I have been in SERIOUS physical pain since 1986! I've had 3 diagnoses: fibromyalgia, lupus, multiple sclerosis. Only ONE of these "diagnoses" was actually TESTED; the results were inconclusive! The other conditions would require tests that MediCaid and Medicare don't want to PAY FOR!

NO: medicine, physical therapy, no prosthetics, no job training, no support services, no respect, no dignity!

When my daughter died, I took antidepressants for a year. The ONLY differences I noticed were: my dreams were more vivid and I lost my sex drive. An incest survivor whose mother mutilated my genitals with her FINGERNAILS when she tried to tear them out, with no SEX DRIVE??? And THAT's supposed to help DEPRESSION?

I didn't have depression; I was GRIEVING! It wasn't a pathology; it was a NATURAL response to the death of my only child!

I weaned myself off the antidepressants. They were Paxil, who, at the time claimed they were "not habit forming." Well, I ran out of them once, when I had no money to refill the prescription. The withdrawl was AGONY! And the symptoms appeared when I was out in public, on a BUS!

I AM NOT DEPRESSED! SOMETHING is SERIOUSLY wrong with my body! A "happy pill" is NOT going to make it go away.

Do you know why I get disability? Because I took a gun to my head out in Kentucky. I got caught; the gun was wrestled out of my hands; I voluntarily went to a hospital.

Know why I tried to kill myself? I was homeless, 2,800 miles from my home and everything I knew and loved and was in SO MUCH PAIN, I couldn't climb the stairs to my bunk in the damn homeless shelter! I couldn't work; I could barely stand at a bus stop in the -20°f wind chill!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE! I just didn't know how to live in so much debilitating pain! I STILL don't know how! But I don't want to die; but I want the pain to stop.

I'm having trouble getting to the bathroom tonight to pee. I only ate 2 cans of vienna sausages today, because it hurt too much to make a damn SANDWICH!

Now, this could last for MONTHS; I've been through this before. It's why I work SO HARD when I CAN work! I have plenty of clean laundry; my plants are protected for winter; I have canned good stored and possibly enough meat and frozen vegetables to last for about a month.

If this bout of pain and sickness is as bad as some in the past, I'll be trapped here, alone, for a month or more. I won't be able to stand in the shower. I won't be able to read my mail. I won't be able to write much. There will be days when I will literally crawl; THAT's why I rescued a set of knee and wrist protectors from the garbage: so I can CRAWL!!!

And NOBODY will care. I'll screw SOMETHING up: phone bill, getting the rent to the mail box...SOMETHING. And I'll end up in serious TROUBLE. The LAST time this happened, I lost my HOME, my MONEY, ALL my animals, and most of my possessions!

I AM SO SCARED!