Warrior

I know why I killed myself today.

At first, it was just a chore I needed to do out front, where I seldom go. Made sense to do it while waiting for FedEx & my scooter. Was afraid I'd miss their arrival, if I was in the house; certainly would if I'd been out back.

I needed that dirt, but not 'til spring. I neded to level the area for my zinc tubs, but not 'til spring. I want to put the tubs there so Raoul's friends can't piss under my kitchen window anymore, or peek in my kitchen window.

I wanted to get that dirt off those fence boards. I have enough problems; I don't need rotten boards Porkchop can break through. I don't need termites. And I don't need a handy nesting spot for sewer roaches. So, 2 feet of dirt had to go.

I was only going to fill a couple of 5 gal. buckets. I thought I can do a little at a time, over a long stretch, and get it all done by spring. But I don't know how much longer this unseasonably warm weather will last.

Then Joe, Raoul's "student" of drug addicted self endulgence showed up. AS I was stooping to get Porkchop's leash to pull Pork away from the path to Raoul's house, Joe said, "mind getting your dog, please?" all snotty and arrogant.

Then, Sandy, the sow in the basement, came up to snoop.

Well, that did it. I pay rent here, too. I have every right to utilize the property for non criminal purposes as anybody does.

Raoul, Joe and Sandy were acting like I'd violated some secret "rule," just because I was collecting dirt!

So, I got my fifty gallon trash barrel and my dolly and started in earnest.

I am angry and frustrated about Marianna's death and my position in it. I am angry about the flaming I've endured this week. Particularly some anonymous idiot who chose to use Marianna's death, and my pain, as an excuse to abuse me in my own forum. Kick 'em when they're down, huh? I'm angry that I've had to cut myself off from so much because I didn't have transportation.

So I dug, and dug, and dug, and dug.

I've got news for you drunken, lying, foul mouthed, ugly, deranged, useless junkies: you're going to be seeing a LOT more of me out front next spring!

YOU let all the plants and grasses die. YOU peed in the yard, dumped trash, washed your dishes on the path. YOU ruined a beautiful yard with your sickness and selfishness.

Next year, there WILL be grass to keep the dust and heat down. There WILL be marigolds to fend off the roaches you attract. There WILL be beauty and sanity in FRONT of my apartment! When people come to visit me, I don't want them to see the bleak sickness you spread.

I WILL GARDEN IN THE FRONT NEXT SPRING!

I have the landlord's permission, already; I asked before I ever signed a lease.

Tonight, Sandy was COMPLAINING about my sunflowers in the back! She's afraid to walk in the alley, because of me! GOOD!

Raoul saw me and Porkchop coming up the alley the other day. He turned around and went back home, until I got in my yard. GOOD!

I'm glad I took Porkchop out front with me. They need to be reminded I'm not a victim. They NEED to be afraid of me!

I was crying yesterday, because of Marianna's death, out in my garden. I talked, out loud, to her for a long time.

I think I'm going to make more of a habit of talking aloud, "to myself," where they can hear me. Let them think I'm crazy; keeps me safe.

I talk to my animals. I talk to my plants and the critters in the garden. I say things I need to remember out loud; it's easier for me to remember something if I can remember the sound of my voice. Like, "don't forget the bleach," or "I need a phillips screwdriver." My mind is so occupied with stuff, and my memory's so bad, I discoverd this audio "PostIt note" helps me keep from chasing my tail, trying to remember stuff. I don't care if it sounds crazy. I'm too busy to write lists...and I'd forget where the list was, anyway!

So, I beat the crap out of their prejudice, pettiness and nastiness today, with a shovel. And I took back my rightful place here.

I'm not some vagrant who needs to hide from the neighbbors. I'm not doing anything criminal; THEY are!

I had laundry, hanging on the line. Raoul and Joe smoked SO much dope, my CLOTHES smell like WEED!

I have to go JOB HUNTING this week, on my new scooter! I don't NEED potential employees smelling WEED on my clothes!

Could smell it all the way into the alley! Cops pass my house in that alley, all the time, hunting hookers and dealers from the 2 story apt. bldg, down the alley. They'll think the smell is coming from MY yard!

So, I'm declaring war on my second class status. I have a right. I'm asserting it.

I have a right to a decent life. Get out of my way!

OH! For any small-minded bigots who think talking to animals, plants, birds, insects, etc. is "crazy," I have a bulletin. My neighbor, Kenneth across the alley and one down from Rowen, talks to ants and feeds them. He's Laguna Pueblo.

I talk to ants and feed them, too. Always have. And I avoid stepping on them. (See: "Surfari: Mind-Changing Bugs"). Oh, crap! Just went to find the link, and all my Surfaris are gone! They're moving everything to a new server. I hope they fix it SOON! Here's the Rogi Writes link. You can find it there once they finish moving everything over. DANG it!

For an agnostic skeptic, I sure am spiritual! LMFAO!