I'm too hesitant to touch her. Since I met her, I've had impulses to take her arm in mine as we walk, to hug her, to brush a stray strand of hair from her face....
She's self protective. The more I understand that, the more I control my wish to touch her.
I was more demonstrative early on, before I knew her as well as I do.
But I don't know her well enough to judge whether my affections are unwelcomed. She has never said she minds. In fact, I apologized once for walking up behind where she sat and putting my arms around her, gentle as I was. She said it was fine with her.
It's not fear of rejection; that, I can handle. It's imposing myself on her without invitation.
It's quite possible my affections are just unexpected. She's so self contained, she might be unaccustomed to affection. She responds to things slowly, deliberately. Maybe I'm so hit-and-run in my demonstrations, she doesn't have time to respond.
I can't second guess her. So I'll ask.
I want to ask, "mind a hug?" That's a reasonable question.
I want to know if she'll hug back. One can't easily respond when seated and embraced from the back.
I have the suspicion a little assertiveness, on my part, is in order. At least I'll know, one way or the other, if my affections are appreciated or welcomed.
It just makes sense. Our minds are beginning to comingle. And, to a safe degree, so are our psyches. A little touching seems totally natural.
I feel like I'm polishing a stone. It's a slow process. It takes patience and persistance. Anything too forceful, too urgent, would be harmful. Steady, gentle work is the best way.
If she refuses my affections, I won't leave. I'll just find other ways, for awhile.
I feel she's waiting for something. I have to earn her trust. She's taking care of herself.
And she knows I'm going through this radical shift. She may be waiting to see what shakes out of that.
I still want to touch her. It's a primate thing, it's a girl thing: grooming, soothing...
There are many days when I wake up, wishing I were a Bonobo chimp and not a human!
When humans decided touch was no longer appropriate between us, we invented war.
Bet you a hundred dollars!!
I'll just ask, next time I feel like showing her affection.
She'll tell me.
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