I'm sorry these blogs don't have appropriate "comments" areas, but they don't function from a webtv. And, frankly, for this blog, in particular, I'm rather glad not to have people's unsolicited opinions of very personal matters. Too often these days, people mistake "flaming" for "communicating." And I don't need my attempts at honest self disclosure trashed by abusive trolls.
I've received another email on the previous subject. I wrote a reply:
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B,
Thank you so much for your very supportive email! I truly appreciate it.
I can't speak for others at the station.
I can tell you, however, that I've heard just about everything you just said in your email from sources very close to the subject.
So, I feel a lot less crazy than I would have, without such feedback.
I am responsible for MY actions, decisions, etc.
I sincerely believed, and still do, that I was being "painted into a corner," and that it was probably an attempt to force me into doing something that would excuse banning me from the equipment and facilities at in the newsroom.
I saw it as only a matter of time before I was forced out.
I wish I'd known to go to others whose job it is to be responsible for volunteer programmers. I assumed they were aware of the situation, approved of it and would have no help, guidance or support to offer me.
I assumed "that's how things are done here." Recent conversations, with exactly those people, have shown me otherwise.
I became very bitter, thinking I was in a dysfunctional institution, surrounded by hypocracy and pettiness.
Yes, I blew my top. And it's true: people often vent their frustrations in situations like that. In fact, I've witnessed it, myself.
But that doesn't change the fact that I comported myself in a very unprofessional manner.
I will regret my actions for the rest of my professional career. The good news is: I'll never make THAT mistake again!
My impact on operations at the station has been minimal. The station could survive quite nicely without me.
However, as an advocate of the station's motto, "one station, many voices," I do have to say I'm an under represented voice: an articulate, low income woman.
So, in that light, I would agree with you that the station is diminished if I'm silenced for being temporarily insane.
I'm human; I'm learning. And I'm more vulnerable to influences than some people.
I will be ok, whatever happens.
And this isn't about my ego. As you can see, I'm venturing out into performance art. You can witness my virgin flight a week from Wednesday night, at the Blue Dragon Coffee House's "Open Mic" night.
And I do have support for my fumbling efforts at independence and professionalism.
I'm not: resentful, demoralized, devistated or otherwise stifled by recent events. I regret my lack of foresight and the pain I've inflicted, not just on one person, but on those who now must deal with the mess.
Maybe something useful can come from this, along the lines of discussions of real inclusiveness. "Free" speech isn't free, in an age when expensive electronics, etc. make broadcasting even more inaccessible to most of the world's population: the poor.
I hope the station, its management and its staff and volunteers will, like I have, find something useful and transformative in what happened.
I'll defend that station with every resource I can bring to bear, if called on to help.
I violated MY ethics, with my impulsive behavior.
Whatever helps the station produce useful, informative news is fine by me. That station is one of the LAST in this country to broadcast REAL, local, investigative journalism!
If I need to be absent to make that possible, it's fine with me.
Sorry this email is so long, but I thought it best to address your concerns as carefully as possible. And, as you've probably guessed, I will post a copy of this email in my blog, as well, so others can read it, too.
Maybe you're just prejudiced, because our dogs look alike!
I'm most grateful for your kind support. And I truly appreciate it that you took the time to write.
Hear you later,
Rogi Riverstone
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By the way, in case it's not clear, I understand that I was making assumptions about management styles, goals, etc.
One person with whom I spoke looked genuinely surprised and maybe even slightly hurt by my perception of operations.
But I was in a tiny corner, and couldn't see out.
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