why shouldn't I just give up?

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I read Ma's reply. Nothing's wrong; the meeting went well.

I'm crazy. They're right.

Told you.

Went fine, if my disabilities, disadvantages and limitations don't MATTER to a COMMUNITY radio station!

Whatever's easiest for you. I don't matter.

Why am I doing this? They're not going to let me succeed.

I'm breaking my back and my heart for nothing.

It's not bad enough I'm in constant pain, blind, broke, weak, vulnerable, undereducated, without adequate transportation. Now, they have to paint me in an OFFICIAL corner!

Why did I try? Why did I get my stupid hopes up?

I'm just an ugly, old bag lady. I may as well get used to it and stop fooling myself.

Nothing I do or have done matters a damn to anybody.

I'm ashamed of myself for having tried.

That cow sat in that meeting and accused me of stuff I don't remember and can't contest. She's gas lighting me, up one side and down the other. She lied. She LIED about me, and she KNEW it while she DID it!

And Ma watched the whole thing, knowing it's crap.

I'm the ONLY one in that place who's had the gonads to tell that woman to her face what an irritating mess she is! And I ONLY did it because they had me surrounded and out numbered.

I can't drink; It's taken me four hours to drink three ounces. Didn't help. Didn't even get drunk, really. All I've done is piss away three dollars, and deprive my muscles of blood oxygen.

I want to die. I just want to stop struggling so hard, for nothing.

I heard Le's report of that story I could have covered...if I wasn't so "untrustworthy" with their damn mic.

She did, of course, a good job.

It was acid in my veins. I heard a whisper, "that could have been MY story!"

I burned with shame and yearning and grief.

They've killed me.

KUNM was my last chance.

It's over. I might as well face it.

And the irony is: they didn't even have enough respect for me to give me a REAL reason why.

To them, I'm a minor inconvenience.

To me, they were life or death.

I won't live like an animal anymore. I can't. I just can't.

I can see where I need to be. I scramble and scrape and struggle to get there.

And JUST when I see hope of getting there, they say, "OOPS! Sorry: you're not what we want here!"

I'm not what anybody wants, anywhere.

I'm tired. I'm literally exhausted. And it's not a renewable resource.


I'm sick. I'm weak. And I'm getting worse, every day.

I'm not strong enough for this.

I can't do it all alone, against their resistance.

I can't do it.

Congratulations, KUNM: you set this up as an adversarial relationship. You treated me like a suspect, an enemy, from the day I walked in.

I have tried and tried to prove myself. And, whatever I do, you just set the bar higher, draw another line in the sand, change the rules and regulations...for me, only.

I can never satisfy you. You don't want that. You want me to go away and leave you alone.

So, you win.

I don't know WHAT you won, but you win.

And I lose what's left of my chance for the rest of my life.