I can learn this new way of being! I CAN! And it won't be hard to do, really.
IF I can be conscious, IF I can be observant, IF I can get out of myself, and listen to people.
I've got to shut up and be present. I don't mean just "shut up" as in not communicating, ever. That's self destructive.
I need to silence my head, when I'm around others, and pay attention to THEM!
I need to observe what they do: what works, what doesn't. I need to observe how others, including myself, respond or react to people.
My buddy, the one whose name makes people smile, he's doing things that cause that. Superficially, he's respectful, helpful, calm, strong, emotionally neutral, nonjudgmental, HOPEful.
Well, not superficially, but I mean: at a glance, this is what I know about him.
I don't know how he got there.
But it doesn't matter. His methods work for him.
I need to forge my own methods.
I'm not talking about imitating people. I'm talking about observing them, noticing what works, evaluating if that's important to me, applying what is useful and letting go what isn't.
My buddy is generous. He isn't self sacrificing. Because he knows his limits, he's strong enough to have resources he can share.
No bloody martyrdom, there!
That woman I told you about: the well-groomed, elegant one, is another example.
There's another, too, right off the top of my head. And she's more interesting, because I know more about her. I can see in her a force of will that's just beautiful. I also see some damage. Again, this is because I know her better; everybody has damage. I'm more comfortable with her, because she's more accessable, more familiar.
Anyway, the point is that I can teach myself, by listening and observing.
I know what works: who attracts me, who is effective, who is kind, who is strong....
By observing more closely, maybe I can hear how they got there and what they're doing to maintain themselves.
I've just got to shut up and pay attention.
That damn, spikey armor is in the way. By keeping them out, I've kept them OUT! Y'know what I mean?
I'm already thinking about people I've loved and respected, and why. I can rattle off dozens of examples, stories, of why I hold them so dear.
And what they did/do isn't really difficult. It doesn't require special training, talents or skills.
Bottom line: the people I've loved and respected most have one thing in common: they made conscious efforts to be genuine in their lives.
They've made conscious efforts to do what I'm doing now: expose themselves to themselves and heal, rather than run.
Oh, I've done a LOT of that same work, over the years. Don't get me wrong.
But this work goes on in layers, deeper and deeper. Old places need revisiting.
And I did absent myself from the process for nearly ten years, on the run.
That's been a source of embarrassment for me: feeling I'd let them down, abdicated my responsibility, resigned from "the club."
That's why I've been feeling them, surrounding me, supporting me, recently.
I'm trying to come Home. I feel them waiting for me. I feel ME, waiting for me!
I want to come Home!
I need to follow the tracks on the trail...
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