So, is it narcicism?
I see a woman who's strong. I imagine she's been strong, self-contained, most of her life. She had to grow up real quick.
Sounds a lot like me.
But I see a woman who deserves to be cared for, cherished, supported, comforted, nurtured.
Sounds a lot like me.
So, I don't know.
I know I have strong impulses to give to her. I want to soothe her. I want to be a safe place for her.
If it's all projection, I'm very confused.
Because I'm doing those things for myself.
I can see it: in my body, in my home, in my work, in my dealings with other people.
I'm nurturing that damaged child psyche in me, protecting her, loving her, restoring her.
I've never been this gentle, this kind and this committed to myself before in my life.
So, maybe it's not narcicism.
Maybe I honestly recognize a fellow traveler.
Maybe my impulses to give are just healthy, human compassion.
It's been a long time, since I've been drawn to another woman the way I am now.
And the process I'm in is still very fresh and very profound.
I think I shouldn't make any decisions about what I'm feeling yet.
I also know this: she has been damaged enough. I don't want my open heart to be a source of more damage to her.
Right now, if I followed my heart, I would be inclined to say I want to love this woman. I honestly mean it.
But I don't know what this process I'm in means. I don't know where it's going to take me, where I'm going to take myself.
I only know I'm wide open, willing.
I won't exploit her to soothe my yearnings.
I'm giving myself a year to get myself in shape.
So, I'm giving myself a year to see how I'm feeling about myself and the people around me.
In the mean time, I'm digging for strength to not give in to impulses.
The only way I can truly love--myself or anybody else--is to guard my heart, and theirs, with whatever reason I can muster.
She is beautiful. She surprises and amazes me on a regular basis. I look forward to her companionship.
And I scare myself around her. What I feel is very strong in her presence. I wasn't expecting that.
I'd given up on that.
So, I plan to enjoy her company carefully. I plan to pay attention. I plan to remain as conscious as I can.
I can say this: she is a real gift.
I'm not imagining that!
It brought tears to my eyes, just writing that.
I don't believe in magic, in love at first sight, in fate.
I believe that, if one commits to a project, one might actually get it done.
My project isn't a goal; it's a process. I've committed myself to living as authentic a life as I can manage.
I believe I can form a precious and strong connection with this woman. I believe we've already begun.
I don't know what it means, where it's going, how it will look later.
I know that, based on what I've learned and experienced about her, I could love her.
Maybe I already do; it rather feels that way.
But I would walk away in a heart beat, if I thought this could harm either of us.
So, I don't know if this is narcicism. I don't know if it's the "honeymoon" phase of this process I'm in. I suppose that's all possible.
But she really is a gift.
And I really am grateful.
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