The spot where my baby was, where my fallopian tube was, is hurting. It's a danger warning kind of hurt. I must be careful. It feels like something could tear, if I over exhert myself.
I think my body might be trying to ovulate, and the missing tube is hurting that process.
Pain there makes me sad.
I'm listening to the hippy show.
The female host interrupts her guests too much. It's irritating.
I've noticed Charlie Rose does that, too. He seems to save it for guests whom he respects, but with whom he disagrees on a particular issue. When they're discussing that issue, he rapid fires questions, while I'm still trying to absorb answers.
It's annoying.
She also tells HER stories, when she's supposed to be listening to her guests'.
I'm learning it's best for me to listen to something that doesn't really interest me, in order to hear the dynamic of the interview.
If I'm attached to the subject, I'm too into that to listen to the structure of the conversation.
Plus, I get involved in what I think of the conversation! LOL
I'm trying to get better at interviewing. Someday, I'll have to insert my voice into a piece. And I want to be ready, when I do.
See, I come from this training that says "the reporter is not the story." So, I try really hard to be invisible, to be the facilitator on behalf of audience that can't be present to ask their questions.
My job is to find out what they need to know.
It's not about my ego; it's about getting information out there.
Someone pointed this out to me recently. I was told I'm very good at interviewing, at listening to the subject, at asking follow up questions, etc.
But I don't do it "in real life."
It's because, sometimes when my companion is talking, I think of something I KNOW I'll forget, if I don't blurt it out immediately.
In an interview, several things are different. I have head phones and a microphone. I can modulate my voice better, because I can hear it. I'm hypersensitive to audio levels, so the sound won't distort. I have notes, and a notebook to jot down ideas while the other person speaks.
Strange, I'm not a stupid person, but it never occurred to me my interview techniques could be used in regular conversation!
I carry so much junk around, already. But I really think it would help me to carry around a small notebook and pen, just for normal converastions.
No matter what the outcome at the station, I need to shift my self consciousness. I've come from a place of survivor for a very long time. There's an urgency to that. There's also the need to hide my reality.
Those won't serve me well for what I'm trying to do.
Urgency makes me rush; needing to hide prevents me from asking proper questions.
Also, I just need to use every available opportunity for practice, until my skills become automatic and I won't have to "call on" my skills; they'll just be in place.
I've been observing my observations. I see things others don't. I don't know why, or how.
But I notice things that seem obvious to me, which others don't even know are there.
I'm amazed, sometimes, to see how unobservant people are. They'll walk right past a "gift," something special, and not even know they've missed something wonderful. It really amazes me!
I'm not spiritually evolved, or anything. I don't know why I see stuff others don't.
Maybe it's from living alone so long and finding ways to amuse myself.
Maybe it's from having cats and a garden: one must be observant to garden, or one misses most of the fun; the best way to interact with a cat is to think like a cat.
Maybe it's from survival skills: always looking for wind blown money in bushes and gutters, always aware of possible danger, always training my eye to the next beautiful thing, so I won't focus too much on the filth and ugliness...
Maybe it comes from trash picking?
Whatever it is, I do it. I don't do it as well as some other people I know, but I do it.
I didn't used to be that way. I was as unobservant as anybody.
It started with having some good teachers. They'd point stuff out and I'd think, "why didn't I see that?"
At first, I felt bad: I thought I was too self absorbed or not intelligent enough to notice stuff I felt should have been obvious.
It wasn't until I let go of that self abusive stance that I could actually develop the skill.
I'm glad I had those teachers, though.
It was good "prep" for being low income and despreate.
It probably saved my life, on several occasions.
I've seen other poor people who couldn't see. They tend not to last too long. They tend to be small, petty, sneaky and scared. Because reality, to them, is a series of unpleasant surprises. Because they can't plan.
It's a real form of blindness; it disables.
My voice is loud because of the way I hear. I hear EVERYTHING!
I hear lights hum. I hear air conditioner motors. I hear clocks tick. I hear little thrums and whirrs I can't even identify.
I hear ALL of it. It's exhausting!
What seems to others to be a silent room is full of sound, to me.
So, I tend to yell over the noise.
Once, someone wondered if I was hearing impaired, I yell so much. They suggested a hearing exam.
Well, I wasn't insulted or anything. I was curious. I mean, after all, what's normal to me might not be normal to others.
Maybe EVERYBODY hears all that noise, but, somehow, survives it better than I.
So, I took the hearing test. The examiner was very surprised. She said I have hearing like a dog. Now, I know she was exagerating, but she pointed out stuff. I hear well, above the range of "normal" and below!
I mean: I can hear higher and lower pitches than most people.
And what other people feel tolerable sounds loud, to me.
I don't have impaired hearing.
I have extremely acute hearing!
THAT's the problem!
It's like sitting too close to a very good speaker. Even without cranking the volume, you can hear everything, if there are enough good microphones, picking up all ambient sound.
So, I shout over the din I hear.
I have NO idea what to do about it. My hearing is normal, to me. I always forget it's not like others'.
I was in a "bright" room the other day. People were talking. I had hell to pay, filtering out the actuality from the accoustic reverb.
It helps if I cup my hand behind one ear, and cock my head in that direction; changes the stereophonics, so I can "shotgun" sound better: point my attention right at it.
I bet I inherited my hearing from Dad, who was a sound engineer.
I'll bet that's why I was diagnosed as "hyperactive." I'd sit in a classroom, hearing birds and trees and cars outside. I'd hear plaster cracking on walls. I'd hear rumbles through the floor from distant trucks. I'd hear dogs barking, blocks away. The hum of lights gave me head aches. I could hear people walking down the halls and would watch the doors, to see if they were coming in. I could hear pencils of classmates on paper. I heard every sound my fellow students made.
It's easy to be distracted under such circumstances, especially when one is a child, especially if one is bored or overwhelmed by the teacher's current subject.
I would look around. I would comment on what I heard. I would begin thinking about what I was hearing, and not pay attention to what I was "supposed" to hear. Sometimes, I couldn't hear the subject, because some other sound seemed urgent, like a child crying several classrooms away.
Nobody else seemed to hear it, just me.
So, I never told people much about it. When I did, they'd look surprised. Or they'd look at me like I was nuts.
It's how I could read the text book, take notes, and listen to the professor at the same time, in college. Drove my friends crazy! They could barely understand the lecture, let alone read and take notes!
It helps for me to have a visual clue, as well as auditory, to demand my total attention.
It's why I love movies more than just reading. If it were possible to read the script, while watching the film, I'd be in heaven.
I guess this is my main challenge: learning to take this enormous talent for hearing, and turning it into an asset, rather than a distraction.
There's something the brain does to filter out ambient sound. My brain doesn't do that so much.
I don't want to not hear everything. I'm glad I do.
I just need to train it.
It'll make me a good producer, if I can pay attention....
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