ok, ok

You are reading http://livinginthehood.blogspot.com

See, THIS is why I need to be more thoughtful of people: their demons. As much pain as I'm in right now, I KNOW others are suffering, too.

And when I'm thoughtless, self absorbed, clumsy...not to mention angry, hostile, short tempered...I can cause people more pain.

I need to learn to be more gentle: with myself and with others.

My gentleness is quite disabled around adult people. Animas and kids, no problem.

But adult humans scare the CRAP out of me. I tend to walk in spiked armor. And I hurt people, as a result.

I don't mean to, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I've got to be more deliberate in the world. I've got to be more conscious of the fear and insecurity that I bury with bells, whistles, smoke and mirrors.

My M.O. is to distract Them from me with lots of noise, color and gizmos. It works, too, by the way. They think I'm a wind chime or carnival ride, and they never see the kernel of fear in the center.

Usually, they don't, anyway....

And I've been very efficient at barring any who DO see beyond the illusion from further contact with me.

If they won't go away voluntarily, I'll hurt them until they give up.

The people I really respect, really honor: I always feel I have to protect them from me, before I can hurt them. I've felt guilty for this my whole life.

I mean, I can REALLY hurt them! Usually, it's so conniving, so cunning, I don't even know I'm doing it!

And the damage can be severe. I can regret it the rest of my life.

So, somehow, I've got to be brave enough to protect myself without being so spikey.

I've driven off any and everybody who has ever loved me or respected me.

This business of changing in which I'm finding myself is very disorienting. None of my old rules for survival apply.

I don't know the language here. I don't know what I should do!

I DO know that, whatever my automatic reaction is, I need to pay attention and try to think about it, before I go there.

This is harder than learning a new language, a new skill, a new subject.

Here I am, nearly fifty years old, trying to learn how to be human.

I want it, I really do. I'm embarrassed at my clumsiness. I'm embarrassed I'm starting with fundamentals I should have learned in childhood.

I think of how badly I'm hurting, right now. And I'm thinking of the hurt I've caused others. And so MUCH of it wasn't necessary!

I made the mistake of saying I wanted people to genuinely smile, when they hear my name, like they do with my buddy.

Now, the whole subject is opened up to me, and I'm terrified!

I'm also, finally, hopeful.

I sincerely don't know if I can do this thing. I really don't. It may be too little, too late.

But I know this: if I don't TRY to grow, to heal, I'll never get where I need to be.

I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

A very smart woman reminded me of that recently.

This business of rebirthing? It really hurts.

I refuse to run.