I was petty and mean spirited about Re. She's doing the best she can with a cage full of gerbils on crack. And she's been TERRIBLY sick!
I shouldn't have been so pissy.
I'm still mad at Ma, though. More hurt than mad, really. But I'll get over it. I won't try to close the space between us, but I'm not going to be petty and vengeful; it's not in my nature, for one thing, and not worth the energy, for another.
Ma is just doing his job. Which is a futher mocker, on the best day.
But I needed to be pissy. I needed to feel sorry for myself. I needed to feel picked on.
And a lot of what I said I still believe to be true. But not stuff about people, personally.
It's the culture. KUNM is beholden to the board of regents...whatever the hell that is...of the university. Everybody's chained to the floor, to a certain extent.
And the university is an anal retentive, sick, beurocratic nightmare. It can't help but influnece operations at the station.
But the university pays the rent. Bottom line. So hoop jumping is required.
The crap I'm getting is the "trickle down" of that, to a large extent. The Ivory Tower doesn't accomodate trailer trash too well.
I'm better off, staying out of it as much as I can. It takes too much out of me. I ain't about being a Success by university standards.
So, I'd like to formally apologize for my personal remarks. I was being self indulgent. It wasn't fair.
I'm not being coerced, threatened, or manipulated into this apology. For all I know, nobody reads this blog. I won't edit out the contents of the posts, though.
I get to feel what I feel when I'm feeling. I'm willing to accept whatever consequences there are in that.
Kids fight. It's just a fact. And there are too many people, with too few resources, coming from too many perspectives for any of that over there to be easy.
Bottom line: I owe KUNM a lot. I really do, and I'm sincerely grateful for the oportunities I've been given and the doors that have opened since I've been there.
If ANYbody tried to screw with KUNM, shut it down, silence it, I'd be on the front lines to defend it! It's a rare and precious thing in this age of infomercials, infotainment and ClearChannel!
I get to process my crap. And I do most of it in this blog.
If any of you think, as a result of my posts, that I'm not fundamentally loyal to the station and its missions, programs, and services, then you're probably too dense to be reading this blog, anyway. Go back to the shallow end, where you belong.
Life ain't a cartoon.
Ma has been kind, generous, helpful, respectful and very open in the past to me. That's why this mess threw me for such a loop. I can't put it into a rational context. I can't make sense of it...yet. Hopefully, I'll get there some day. It's just too fresh for me to be objective.
Re's not my problem. I am my problem. I LET myself be pigeon holed. I may or may not "prove" otherwise, but I've got to let go of trying.
Re has her own needs, challenges and struggles.
ANd she, too, has been good to me.
So, consider this an apology, as inadequate as it is, if I've given anybody a bad impression. I'm learning. I make mistakes.
Let's move on.
By the way: My old boss at Net4TV just emailed. She has these word games. She wants me to write some for her and will pay me FIFTY DOLLARS!!!
She just wrote back and said she'll take other batches, in the future!
That's my MiniDisc, baby!
Thanks, Laura, you're great!
No comments:
Post a Comment